Sometimes, people who talk regularly have a lot of trouble understanding quieter people. They can't quite figure out how or why someone would refrain from talking, so they come up with their own explanations. Although some of these interpretations are close to the truth in some cases, there are so many reasons for a person to talk less. Maybe they are tired, or shy, or don't have anything to say at the moment; maybe they think a lot, or they are trying to refrain from saying something stupid, or they just really hate you. But often for the outgoing, quiet people are a conundrum wrapped in a veil of silence, and are just too hard to figure out. So, to make us quiet people a little easier to understand for the more verbally-inclined population, here is...
10 Common Misconceptions About Quiet People
(in no particular order...)
1. Quiet people need or want someone to "bring them out of their shell."
Much of the time, people who are more extroverted think that for a shy person to truly have fun, he or she needs to become outgoing. The extrovert then takes it upon his/herself to liven up the introverted or quieter person whether they like it or not. (Spoiler alert: they usually don't.)
At every summer camp I have ever been to, there was always at least one person (sometimes more) who, after realizing that I don't talk much, would come up to me and say something along the lines of, "I am going to bring you out of your shell and get you to talk to me." I would nod and smile, thinking
Pfft... now you're not... and I would spend the rest of the week just nodding and smiling, giving one-word answers when there was no way around it. I know that these people were just trying to be nice in the only way they knew how-- I was a new species to them, and they wanted me to feel like I belonged on their planet of singing stupid songs, kayaking, and communing around a large open fire-- but more often than not, I had absolutely no desire to leave the comfort of my shell.
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| As derisive as I look, this was actually me having fun. Until they made me participate... |
Most quiet people are perfectly happy to speak as seldom as possible, and pointing out how quiet they are usually just makes them really uncomfortable or embarrassed. While before they were just listening and contentedly blending into the background, now they are being put on the spot and feel as if they are lacking something that everyone else has. Not only are they lacking this something, they are obviously lacking it. Include them in conversation, give them chances to talk if they want to, but don't think that they are magically going to become talkative and outgoing if you just believe hard enough and push them into awkward situations. Trust me, they don't go into preservation mode and adapt to the situation; it just eventually becomes so painfully awkward that some kind soul jumps in to save the day. Treat them like normal human people that just open their mouths a little less often. Things will go a lot better that way.
2. Quiet people are rude, angry, or were born without feelings. Often when people who talk regularly are confronted with a quiet person, they don't know how to respond. The talkative person tries to exchange pleasantries, but the quiet person responds in very few words and does not attempt to keep the faltering conversation going. The talkative person might wonder what they did wrong and, after going through every encounter with this person in their head and confirming that the fault was not in something they said or did, conclude that there must be something wrong with the quiet one. They must just be a really rude person. They must be mad at someone, or be having a bad day. Maybe they're like a robot and don't feel feelings like a normal human. Yes... much like the redheads that don't have souls, quiet people don't have feelings.
The quiet have a kind of communicating that people who are used to blurting out every single thing that comes to mind often don't notice immediately. They often communicate through smiles and nods and small bursts of words; they automatically get rid of the unnecessary bits, which to some seems rude or curt. Quiet people also often just prefer listening to talking (though this is not always true), and only say enough to let the person who's talking know that they are paying attention. It usually takes a little more work to get a conversation going with a quiet person, but a lot of the time they will warm up and do more for their part of the discussion.
3. If they're quiet, they must be really smart. Unfortunately, this is not necessarily true. There are really smart quiet people, just like there are really smart talkative people; there are also quiet people that are of average smartness, or they might be... gifted in other areas. Being quiet doesn't mean that the person spends all of their time contemplating the meaning of the universe or solving intense math equation-y stuff in their very large brains. If they sound smarter, it might just be because they only say stuff that sounds like it could be really intelligent; they keep all the other stuff (that the more speech-inclined people would say aloud) in their heads. Chances are that they say the same amount of intelligent-sounding stuff as a more talkative person, but the quiet person seldom says anything less smart to counteract those things. Think about it... a person who talks often says some smart things and some not-so-smart things; if you hear the quiet person say the same smart things, but without the other junk, you automatically assume they're smarter because they never sound otherwise.
4. Quiet people are socially awkward. Although social awkwardness can sometimes be a reason for quietness, it is only one of the many reasons for talking less. Sometimes people are quiet because they prefer to listen, sometimes it is because they were raised to talk less; Sometimes it's because they are insecure, or so they don't say something stupid; Sometimes they are not very assertive, and yes, sometimes they just have no earthly idea what to say in social interactions. But the list of reasons is endless; every quiet person has their own personal reason for talking less than other people... awkwardness is far from the only explanation.
5. Since they're quiet and shy, they must be really sweet. As much as I would love for this to be true, not all quiet people are super nice and sweet. Many of them are, but just like with talkative people there are all sorts. Most people don't notice because the person hardly ever talks, but some quiet people can be just as mean-spirited as anyone else. Some people also will think that because a quiet person doesn't assert their opinions as often or as loudly as other people, that quiet people can't be stubborn or strongly opinionated. I am living proof that that is a myth. I have known several usually quiet people that you could not pay me to get into a debate with. Quiet people are just as capable of arguing for something they believe in as anyone else. Plus the quiet ones have the element of surprise....
6. Quiet people are pushovers and will do anything someone asks them to do. Many people assume that a quiet person is automatically passive aggressive or they always want to please other people. They think that if they ask this quiet person to do something for them, the quiet person will do it because it's harder to say no, or by saying yes s/he is making a new friend. But again, this is a personality trait that is not necessarily linked to quiet behavior. I personally used to be like that-- never saying no-- but I literally
had to
train myself how to say no. Like, I would practice on my parents and brother until I thought I would be able to say no to other people.
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| Sometimes I actually would give away like half of my toys because I couldn't say a TWO LETTER WORD. |
Although some quiet people are like me in that way, there are many others who will respond to that kind of request just like anyone else:
why can't you do that yourself? It's always best not to try to take advantage of people who talk less. Or anyone for that matter...
7. Quiet people aren't any fun, or can't have fun. This myth is a really hard one for quieter people to escape. Quiet people are often just as fun as other people, but just aren't as boisterous. Maybe they don't express their enjoyment as clearly as other people, or they don't suggest a lot of fun things to do, but that's not because they can't or don't want to have fun; it's usually just not in their nature to take charge or to get rowdier as more fun is being had. This is best illustrated with a graph:
8. Quiet people want to be left ALOOONE. In a lot of cases, this is a sort of half-truth. Many quiet people are introverted (as opposed to extroverts), meaning that they exert energy when they socialize, while extroverts gain energy. This doesn't mean that they don't want to be around people and have fun; it just means that they have to have time to be alone and recharge. They aren't trying to offend you when they leave your party early, or say they can't hang out when you
know they don't have anything else going on; they just have to take their social time in smaller doses, and with more time in between. There are
also quiet people that genuinely don't like to be around people, but they are usually pretty easy to spot...
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You have to run... They shoot you with beams of their hatred if you don't.
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9. Quiet people are all good listeners. This is another one of those stereotypes that varies from person to person. Just because they aren't talking and they are looking in your general direction while you talk doesn't necessarily mean that they are paying attention to a word you say. They could be thinking about anything-- what they had for dinner last night, why unicorns really do exist, how to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow-- and you would never know it. My point being, don't assume they are listening just because they aren't interrupting or trying to get you to stop talking. Much of the time, quiet people do make good listeners, but they could just as easily be wandering about in their own little world.
10. Quiet, shy, introvert, and passive aggressive all mean the same thing. Yeah... they all have different meanings. Many people will use these four terms interchangeably, but they have slightly different connotations. For example, I am quiet (because I prefer not to talk most of the time) and I am an introvert (because I need time to recharge between social outings), but I am not shy or passive.
Quiet usually refers to someone who just doesn't talk often; a
shy person is usually more bashful than a person who is just quiet (I know that it seems like a such a small distinction but believe me, it's more of a difference than you would think); an
introvert, as I mentioned before, is someone who uses up energy when they are around people;
passive aggressive people often communicate in indirect or non-assertive ways, and are also often ambiguous and manipulative. Here's a picture for you.
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| the differences are subtle, but they're there... |
I hope this makes it a little easier to understand quiet people!
